This is a deeply personal project of mine that was made to help me deal with the my most recent case of imposter syndrome.
I will rot.
And in the deepest darkest pits of hell they will call you by thy name.
Oh how jovial one must feel.
To not repent for the sins man commits in the shadows of his mind.
I do not fear.
But deeply am I afraid of evil within me.
I who have fooled the masses tear at my own flesh.
Oh yes I am afraid.
Afraid of the sin in flesh and bone behind my eyes for which the world will not know.
No god will save me.
No god will save me.
NO GOD WILL SAVE ME.
And he saw in this hell, a suffering he did not understand.
The people below his feet, the ignorance in their eyes, it feared his heart.
They had no limbs and their mouths were woven shut. A great fire burned below them but their eyes fixed on him.
They looked at him, not with desperation, not with fear, not with pain, nor with hatred. They looked at him with indifference; and yet their eyes pierced him. He felt his skin sear, he felt himself bleed.
"DOES THOU NOT WISH TO BE MY STEAD?"
"DOES THOU NOT WISH TO HAVE FLESH WITH WILL?"
"WILL THOU LOOK UPON ME WITH DEFIANCE LEAST?"
But they had no mouths. Their gaze could not speak. Their gaze defied.
The only screams he heard were the echos of words his own. And it echoed.
And it echoed.
The dark cold walls all led to her.
Her with the amber eyes.
I stumbled towards her. A great hunger. I loved her.
Her with the soft blue eyes.
The shackles on her wrists made me my heart ache. I will free her. I will love her.
Her with the deep green eyes.
"Oh divinity above! Let me savor! Let me taste! And make me free once more!"
Her skin was soft, her flesh was warm.
Her with the hazel brown eyes.
My teeth sunk in. The flesh teared, and blood sprouted. I laped at it, I fell to my knees.
I dug my nails into her back. I melded my flesh with her flesh. I filled my mouth with the body of her. I teared at her till there was no more.
Her with the dark onyx eyes.
There she lay, at my feet. Slumped as lifeless as those before. The flesh in my mouth no more, the taste of her rotten and bitter.
Her with the gouged eyes, and me with a hunger still. A love no more.
"Oh divinity above! Answer my prayers for I have let go of the sins you showed."
"Answer my prayers for I repent with my heart and my soul."
"Answer my prayers for I want not to become of men that see the suffering he has caused."
"Answer my prayers for I lived my life by good."
"Answer my prayers for I lived not of sin but of prayer to those of minds lesser."
"Answer my prayers for who but I have lived pious in a world of your making?"
"Answer my prayers for why those caused suffering more do not suffer as I?"
"Answer my prayers for if a thousand men led true does not bleed into the pain of one man, of the pain of myself, and those that follow true to not my words but my heart?"
"Oh divinity above I have been cruel! But answer me still. Answer me just."
"Answer me as I have the masses in your stead."
"ANSWER ME DIVINITY ABOVE!!! FROM YOUR WRETCHED THRONE THAT KNOW NOT THE SUFFERING OF MEN."
"ANSWER ME!!!"
(no answer)